COUNSELING SERVICES

REMODELING OLD FOUNDATIONS

It has become clear that during childhood a foundation of beliefs is formed based on correct and incorrect perceptions of what is happening. These beliefs are buried in our subconscious but affect our emotional reactions. For instance, we notice our reaction to a supposed slight is out of proportion to the slight, causing friction between friends. We may wonder where the emotion came from. Usually these reactions do not come from what has just happened but from something that we experienced in childhood. A person who decided at the age of five that no one wants her or him around, then buries that belief, later will need to realize that under current emotions there is unhealed hurt and uncorrected false beliefs stimulating reactions, feelings, and sometimes actions not fitting to situations.

An illustration

Let's create a hypothetical case to illustrate the concept. A little boy regularly is picked on by the school bullies. Finally, one day, he fights back. However, the result is that he and the other boy are suspended from school and his mother must come to the school to pick him up. At home is his alcoholic father who had worked the night shift at his job, come home from work and drunk a considerable amount of beer. The boy and his mom walk into the house and the dad goes into a drunken rage screaming at the boy that he is no good, that he abuses his mom, and that he will never be any good.

As an adult, this man knows he is messed up but doesn't understand why:

He can't make and keep relationships; he has trouble feeling; he cannot trust anyone. He is unable to ask for help. He is a perfectionist. He despises his father and doesn't talk with anyone in his family. There is nothing of any real value in his life, and there is no joy in his life. He avoids thinking about his childhood saying it is only a lot of bad memories.

Unfortunately, a lot of us had experiences like this boy's in our own childhoods.

Let's look at the messages that child took in from his father:

• You are abusing your mother! She shouldn't have to help you.
• You and your needs, interests, and desires don't matter.
• Don't cry. You have to grow up!
• You are in the way – not wanted!
• It is not OK to mess up!
• It is not OK to show your true feelings!

And from the bullies at school:

• You are weak and helpless.
• With your face, you will not be liked and you will be abused your entire life.
• You are pathetic and people will only make fun of you – not be your friend.
• No one will be there for you when you need help and protection. You are always alone.
• You have no one who cares for you.

There are probably a number of others as well.

The effects of messages

Fortunately, there are usually sources of good messages as well. There may be a school teacher, a grandmother, a store clerk, or librarian who treats the child with kindness. The negative messages in our subconscious form the basis for our false belief system. Let's use one of the messages to trace how these lies that children believe impact later life.

False Belief: "You are pathetic and no one is going to like you as a friend."

Situation: With that belief about self in our subconscious, then, suppose a new person moves into your neighborhood just two doors down from your house.

Emotion: Feeling rejected in anticipation. "I'm sure she won't like me."

Thoughts: (subconscious) If I alienate her before she decides to dislike me, it won't hurt so much. Consciously – "She isn't going to like me. I wouldn't want to be her friend anyway."

Actions: When your new neighbor invites you over for coffee and dessert you say, "No Thanks, I have no time."

Emotions: lonely, hurt

Relationships: shaky

The freedom of truth

The truth is that you are a child of God, made in his image. You are eminently loveable. God finds you acceptable right where you are, as you are.

With the freedom of the truth, how would the cause and effect flow?

Situation: new neighbor

Emotion: hopeful, pleasure at possibility of new friend

Action: greet new neighbor, invite her in for coffee or tea

Thoughts: We may have a lot in common.

Relationships: growing

Chart from The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

The healing process

We can go back through our memories to identify our mistaken ideas in order to correct them, as well as to heal the hurts. When the man in our example faced the lies learned from mistreatment, his life changed. In a movie, the healing would seem to be overnight. This is reminiscent of Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol". Unfortunately, healing is not that fast or easy, but healing can happen.

In our example, as the boy gets bigger he will learn to defend himself. As an adult, he can know that bullies are usually intimidating because they are actually afraid themselves. He also can know that he won't be helpless as a child again. He can learn as an adult: You can fight back. You won't always lose. You are neither a dummy nor pathetic.

Then the adult would face the scene when his father rages at him. As an adult, he knows that his Dad really did love him but was not able to think clearly because of his own problems. The adult can be helped to forgive his dad and the school bullies who hurt him many times. He can learn God's truths to replace the lies Satan taught him through his experiences.

It is OK to cry. It is OK to acknowledge how you feel. You are not alone – ever. You are not helpless. You are a person of value that other people will appreciate and enjoy. God is our help and our refuge in our lives.

In actuality this process would take place with a therapist or minister looking at memories with a person who is suffering. By talking over these memories and/or by looking at the symptoms from which the person suffers, they can reconstruct the lies and begin the process of replacing them with the truth. We see this scriptural truth in

Romans 12: 1 & 2: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – that is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is – his good, pleasing, and perfect will.",

and in John 8:31, "To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'".

Along with the healing and forgiving process:

1. Find foundational lies by examining life and symptoms.
2. Find truth in scriptures and by using logic.
3. Learn to examine your thoughts before acting on them or allowing them to stimulate emotional responses. Judge whether the thought going through your mind sounds like a truth that God would teach or a lie that Satan would teach.
4. Practice self-talk to replace lies with truth and retrain your thinking.

Discovering false foundations, replacing lies with truth, retraining our thinking, and healing prayer are ways that we can work toward a renewal of our minds, hearts, and lives. It is possible to have that peace you have tried to find for so long, for God is Good and cares about our wholeness.